Happy Anniversary to Jared Padalecki’s Always Keep Fighting!


Today is the third anniversary of Jared Padalecki’s ‘Always Keep Fighting’ campaign – three little words that inspired so many people. I think we all knew, the first time Jared said those words, just how much they meant. We knew that those words, that sentiment, were the mantra of the Winchester brothers, the iconic characters who Jared and Jensen Ackles portray on Supernatural. For those of us who love the Show, Sam and Dean’s determination to “always keep fighting” had inspired us for a decade. But when Jared brought that inspiration to “real life”, those words took on an even greater power.

The first AKF charity campaign took Represent.com by storm – the passion of the SPNFamily had never burnt so brightly or been so united.  There were more campaigns that followed, some joint campaigns with Jensen or with Misha, as the power of the messages to inspire became clear. As ‘AKF’ became something many of us lived by, it soon became clear also that for Jared, those three words had a very personal meaning – one that he decided to share, courageously, by writing a chapter in a book. We began to put together ‘Family Don’t End With Blood’ in 2015, shortly after Jared’s ‘Always Keep Fighting’ message lit up San Diego Comic Con in an unprecedented way. When I got the first draft of the chapter he wrote, I was floored by what AKF meant to Jared, and how much his own life experience had inspired his determination to help others keep fighting.

It’s three years later, and the AKF campaign and the chapter Jared wrote in Family Don’t End With Blood have done just what he hoped they would. Countless people have found the strength to keep going because of those three little words and the personal struggle that Jared had the strength to share in his chapter. I hope that the inspiration that so many of us have found in his words is reflected back to Jared a thousand fold. Working with him as he struggled to write his chapter and tell his story honestly and openly, without censoring himself – because it was so important to him to be real with everyone who would read it – was an inspiration to me. When I feel like something is too much, like it would be easier to give up, I remember that he didn’t. Not in writing the chapter, or in keeping fighting. I hope he knows how much he inspires me, and so so many others.

In celebration of the AKF anniversary, I thought I’d share a short excerpt from his almost 30-page chapter in Family Don’t End With Blood – one I’ve re-read many many times.

So, there I was, sitting in an airplane after filming for four days, en route to San Diego….I was going to a city where I had no home base, where I had no quiet corner to excuse myself to in case of a panic attack. I was going to a city that gets an influx of 200,000+ visitors during the week of Comic-Con. I was going to a place where I would be looked at by thousands of people. Would they judge me? Did they think less of me after my not-so-private struggles? Would there be people in the audience who’d worked long and hard to see me (and others) in Rome and Australia, whose money and time I’d wasted? How would I apologize? How could I even begin to apologize? Was I supposed to just get up there on stage in Hall H and smile and pretend I hadn’t let thousands of fans down? Hell, I would hate me, too. What do I do???

As I mentioned before, an airplane is a terrible place to have a panic attack.

But I got through it. I employed some of the breathing techniques I had learned and practiced, and I was able to read a few things I have that are special and private to me, and that help a lot when I start to panic or feel helpless…My Sunday experience at Comic-Con is always a whirlwind: round-table interviews and red carpets, photo shoots and meetings, Nerd HQ, and, of course, Hall H.

Now, for those of you who haven’t had the good fortune and opportunity to experience Hall H in person, lemme tell you, it is a sight to see. It is a room that seems large enough for an airplane to take off, fly around inside, and land. It’s enormous. And terrifying. I’ve been told that it holds 6,000+ people, not counting standing room. I don’t find that difficult to believe.

Suffice it to say, I was pretty nervous. My anxieties and self-doubts from my flight down were starting to surface again. Here it was: I was about to confront 6,000+ people whom I had let down. And I didn’t know how to apologize. Furthermore, I didn’t want to commandeer the mic and start talking about my personal issues. It was sort of a no-win situation.

But then it happened. As I sat onstage, a sea of lights appeared before me. Were they cell phone cameras? Lighters? It wasn’t immediately clear to me. But then someone behind me (I still don’t know if it was Richard Speight or Rob Benedict—our moderators—or someone else entirely) tapped me on the shoulder and handed me a note. A fan had made thousands of tea lights with a reminder to ‘Always Keep Fighting’ and handed them out to the people in Hall H. The giant hall was lit up in support of me and that message.

Since memory is faulty, I’m going to copy my Facebook post from that day, since that will be the best snapshot of how hard it hit me:

A thank you.

To anybody and everybody that had ANY part whatsoever in the Always Keep Fighting Hall H tea light event.

As I travel back to Vancouver from San Diego Comic-Con, with my partners in crime Jensen Ackles and Mark Sheppard, the enormity of what happened is finally starting to sink in . . .

I am beyond moved.  

I feel so blessed, and grateful, and honored to be a part of the magical Supernatural family.                              

Sitting on that stage in Hall H, I initially mistook all of the lights for cell phone cameras. It’s difficult to discern specific shapes and faces with all of those stage lights shining on you (and it’s quite intimidating up there, sitting in front of 6,500 people!!). Then, when I had a light given to me with an explanation of what it was and what it stood for, I was (and am still) gobsmacked.

Thank you.     

From the very bottom of my heart and my soul, thank you so much.           

I will never forget this day. I will never forget the love that I felt, and still feel. And, to everybody who held a light for me, please know that I hold my light for you.

Though I happened to be the one sitting on stage, I am but one small light in a sea of thousands. TOGETHER, we can and will make a difference!                     

Keep letting your light shine. I will do the same. And, keep fighting.         

Always Keep Fighting.

The light that was given to me that day still sits in my office (as does the note that was handed to me on the stage explaining what was going on). It always will. It is more valuable to me than any award or accolade ever will be. It helps put to rest one of my greatest fears: that I’ve let the fans down. Sometimes, when I still feel like I’ve failed somebody, or let somebody down, I’ll walk into my office, and see it, and remember that I have an entire family out there that wants me to know that “just” me is “just” fine.

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Happy Birthday Jensen Ackles!


So the actor who plays my favorite fictional character of all time (that would be Dean Winchester) is having a birthday today, and it’s a “big” one. Jensen Ackles is turning forty, and on that momentous occasion, many fans are posting messages for him about why he’s special to them. I thought I’d chime in and try to put into words why I agree, and in the process wish Jensen a very happy 40th birthday.

It’s no secret that Supernatural has changed my life. I never would have thought about publishing a book, let alone seven. I never would have travelled all over the world – by myself sometimes – or met the fellow fans who are now some of my closest friends. I never would have found my voice and figured out that being me was okay. Loving a television show and joining its wild, crazy, supportive community made all the difference in my life – but if Jensen Ackles hadn’t played Dean, and Jared Padalecki hadn’t played Sam, that never would have happened.

I am so grateful.

It wasn’t the premise of the show that drew me in. It wasn’t the rock music (as much as I loved it from day one). It wasn’t the gorgeous sleek black Chevy Impala, though I fangirl Baby almost as much as I fangirl her owner. It wasn’t the amazing special effects or the scares or the monsters-of-the-week with their commentary on so much more. It wasn’t even entirely the brilliant writing, though I never would have stuck with the show if there hadn’t been plenty of that. Instead it was Sam and Dean. It was the complicated, messy, unique, fraught, angst-filled relationship between those two brothers – and the love that refused to be extinguished between them – that made me fall in love with Supernatural. Yes, that was partly the writers, and I’ll fangirl Eric Kripke forever for creating those characters. But I’m fairly certain that if two other actors had been playing Sam and Dean, I would have said huh, interesting, and maybe watched a few episodes. I wouldn’t have fallen head over heels in love and not looked back.

I watched Season One with a friend and didn’t fall. I enjoyed, but I wasn’t a fan. It was Jensen, with his incredible acting, who finally pushed me over the precipice and sent me careening into a life-changing journey. Early in Season Two, I was grading papers, only half watching the show, when suddenly I realized that my stereotypical red grading pen was hovering uselessly in midair. I had become so engrossed in the scene I was watching that I’d forgotten all about the papers – in fact, they were about to slide onto the floor. On the screen, Dean and Sam leaned against Baby, a gorgeous Vancouver background framing them. And while I watched, transfixed, Dean Winchester – who had seemed on the surface an emotionally restricted gruff kind of guy – broke down. Emotion poured out of him, and at the same time it was heartbreakingly clear that he didn’t want it to. The range of emotions that I could see – could feel – in him was so intense that it took my breath away. His anger, his sense of loss, his pain. And underneath all that, so much love. He turned all that emotion on his brother, and I could see it floored him too.

The papers hit the floor. Who was this character, that he had pulled me into his world so suddenly and completely that my heart was pounding and my own eyes were tearing up? How had I missed the complexity of this character and all that emotion that he kept hidden?

I rewatched the entire first season in a weekend, picked up watching Season Two live, and never looked back. If it hadn’t been for Jensen’s incredible acting – his willingness to make himself, and thus his character, emotionally vulnerable – I would have missed out on the ride of my life.

Over the next eleven years, my fascination with Dean Winchester has only grown, and that again is largely due to Jensen’s portrayal of him. I’ve been privileged to have a fair amount of conversation with him over the years, and I have always been struck by how thoughtful he is about the character he plays. He reads a script and he thinks about it. Why would Dean react this way or that way? What would he be feeling? What drives him, what keeps him up at night, what keeps him going?

As a fan, I think about those things too, dissecting dialogue and facial expressions and every other hint I have about what makes Dean tick. Another actor might just take what’s on the page and say the words and hit his mark and be done with it, especially after doing it for 13 years. Jensen has never gotten to that point – he has never stopped caring. If anything, he seems to care more now. He genuinely loves Dean; is protective of him. If a new writer doesn’t get the characterization right or a new director doesn’t quite understand who Dean is, Jensen is there to suggest a correction or make a subtle change that brings the characterization back to where it should be. The writers, producers, directors trust him to do that and welcome the collaboration. I know how rare that is, and I’m so thankful for it – so thankful he cares enough to nurture and protect the character I care so much about.

I can’t talk about how Jensen plays Dean without talking about how Jared plays Sam. It wasn’t just Dean Winchester who pulled me in, it was the Winchester brothers. And that is something that Jensen and Jared have created together. From the start, everyone who met them talked about their chemistry – the fact that they hit it off the way they did, and that they allowed that mutual affection and respect to translate to the screen, made Dean and Sam’s relationship something special. Both actors have never been afraid to be vulnerable, or to show emotion other than anger (which is sometimes the easier one to express). They were vulnerable with each other, clinging to each other when they were alone in the world – and that was tremendously compelling. I could relate – can still relate – and I’m so grateful to Jared and Jensen for bringing those characters to life in the ways they have.

Sometimes I’m just thankful that the show I picked to fall for, and the actors who have been on that show, are unusual in the best of ways. Jensen, Jared, Misha – all of the actors – have been more respectful of and grateful for their fans than just about anyone else. One of the reasons the Supernatural conventions took off in such an unprecedented way was that the actors were genuinely open to getting to know their fans, instead of making the barrier between them a mile wide. They interacted, they communicated, they talked – and they listened. As a result, those stereotypes about who fans are didn’t hold up. They saw fans as fellow humans, and that has made all the difference. I give Jared and Jensen a lot of credit for their openness, right from the start.

The first time I met Jensen in person, I was a stranger asking him to sign a Ten Inch Hero poster at Comic Con. He was clueless as to my near-hyperventilating excitement, and with a line of hundreds of people waiting for his signature, he could have been forgiven for scrawling his name and then moving on to the next person. Instead he took the time to talk to me – to ask where I got the poster, to listen when I began haltingly to tell him about the movie premiere and my chat with then-girlfriend Danneel. To give me a smile that was genuine, and to make a joke about why he wasn’t there. Little things, but they made a difference (They also caused me to burst into hysterical tears once I was a safe distance away…but not in a bad way…)

The first time we were invited to the set, I assumed I was still a stranger. Sure, there had been a couple of conventions, but I was one of thousands of fans who had stood next to him in the photo op room and smiled. The studio had given us strict instructions that we could interview Jared and Jensen for the book we were writing as long as we stayed on the set (presumably where there were lots of people to watch us in case we decided to….I’m not sure what actually, but just in case). We watched them film, watched Jensen and Jared joke with the guest star to put him at ease, and chat with the crew, and consume candy between takes. It was so much fun that when the PA who was in charge of us said she was sorry, filming had gone too late, there was no time for an interview, that we didn’t break down into sobs. We had already had a utopian day, and we were genuinely okay with that.

Seems we underestimated Jared and Jensen though. When they walked up to us to say hi and perhaps explain that they had run out of time, Jensen stopped short in front of me where I was perched precariously on one of those high set chairs.

“Oh,” he said, and smiled. “It’s you! We know you!”

I was dumbfounded.

Half an hour later, as we waited for a driver to take us back to our hotel, the PA came by to tell us there had been a change of plans – both Jared and Jensen were insisting on doing the interviews after all. IN THEIR TRAILERS. Needless to say, if we thought the day had been utopia before, it quickly rocketed up into actual heaven. It was way after midnight but Jensen (the last to finish filming) welcomed us into his trailer, got us drinks, and chatted until his driver finally came by to say we all really had to go. Once again, he didn’t have to do that – but he did. He and Jared answered all our questions, even the ones that were definitely out of the ordinary. As exhausted as he was, Jensen still jumped up and acted out a hilarious scene of what happens when someone sort of recognizes him in an airport but then can’t figure out who he is. I had been terribly nervous; within ten minutes, I’d forgotten about my nerves and was just having fun.

That’s another thing I love about Mr. Ackles. His sense of humor and playfulness (and those of the other actors) have made the experience of being a Supernatural fan so much more FUN than it would have been otherwise. I got back from Vegas con a few days ago and I’m still laughing about so many of the hilarious things that happened onstage.  From jumping up to play the keyboards to tease Jared, to pretending to strip, to throwing back his head and full-on laughing with such contagious abandon, Jensen’s willingness to be a kid and not get hung up on being a “celebrity” makes the conventions the fun things they are. And makes my stomach literally ache after some of the panels – which I don’t mind one bit.  That chemistry he had with Jared? Still there, maybe moreso. And the other Supernatural actors have jumped right on the bandwagon, to everyone’s delight.

I feel so lucky that the actors on my favorite show are who they are. That they care about the show, and the characters they play. That they care about the world and making it a better place. That they care about their fans and appreciate the support. When I wanted to write a book about how this show and this fandom have changed lives, I never thought that it wouldn’t be only the fans who would want to share their stories – it was the actors too. From those very first interviews in their trailers, Jared and Jensen have been unfailingly generous with their time and willingness to contribute to every book I’ve written.  Jensen told me over and over that “I’m not a writer” when we were putting together Family Don’t End With Blood. He’d watch Jared writing his chapter and shake his head and say not me. But I knew that he had something to say, even if he didn’t want to sit down and type it out. Ultimately he gave me the words and I did the typing, and I think he’s proud of what he wrote. I definitely am.

So Happy 40th Birthday, Mr. Ackles. Thank you for caring about Dean and making him so vivid and real and alive. Thank you for pouring so much love into the bond between Dean and Sam. Thank you for bringing so much fun and laughter to conventions – for not being afraid to be playful. Thank you for the serious conversations we’ve had too, and the way you think deeply about things but sometimes try to pretend you don’t. Thank you for going way out of your comfort zone to allow that chapter to be written. Thank you for the good you’ve done in the world, with charity campaigns and just in the everyday interactions you have with so many people that allow them to feel special and valued. I hope you feel very proud of the person you are.


You can find Family Don’t End

With Blood (and Jensen’s chapter)

In the links on our home page!

PS – Thanks too for being a total effing rockstar onstage and please do not ever stop singing!


Supernatural Cons 2018 – First Stop, Orlando!


I’m just about to drag out my suitcase and toss some things in there to head to Las Vegas for the Supernatural convention that starts on Thursday – and I’m ridiculously excited! Vegas is one of my favorite cons. It’s an extra day of fun, it’s got so many of the friends I don’t get to see nearly enough all year long, and Jensen sings at the Saturday Night Special. The first time he did that, in 2015, was one of those experiences you never forget. Nobody expected him to come onstage and turn into this total effing rockstar, so afterwards we were all a bit stunned. Nobody could stop grinning; no one could stop hugging each other. We clung to each other like we’d just witnessed a piece of history, overflowing with wordless pure unadulterated joy. It was one of my favorite con moments ever.

So I always look forward to Vegas!

After Jensen’s 2015 SNS Performance

I was determined to post my Orlando con report before I leave for Vegas, so here it is, with almost an entire day to spare. Sure, that con was over a month ago, but hey, at least I met my admittedly generous deadline.

So, OrlandoCon 2018…

Orlando is a great place to have a convention in the middle of January, especially for those of us who live in the Northeast US and are sick of being frozen half to death. So I was thrilled to fly down a bit early and spend some time with my friends Liz and Kristen and Kim. The con hotel was across the footbridge from Disney Springs, so we trekked over there to explore and shop and have a delicious dinner in a café full of animated dinosaurs. Definitely in Disney!

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What Is Happening?? Lynn and Nightsky Live on Supernatural ‘Devil’s Bargain’

Last week Lynn and Nightsky (from the Winchester Family Business) were at an academic conference on Popular Culture, giving carefully prepared papers on (what else?) Supernatural and moderating panels and generally working our butts off. So Thursday night was a welcome break to watch the new Supernatural episode with a room full of fellow acafans (academics who are also passionate fans). Oh, and pie. Lots of pie.  Being the resourceful women we are, we loaded up some plates with free conference food and then crowded into our friends Susan and Mandy’s room. Balancing overloaded plates precariously, we settled in to watch. Come along with us, if you will, to see what happens next…

The THEN came on and the room fell silent. For a minute anyway.

Lynn: KEVIN! Is Osric in this episode? Please let Osric be in this episode! (Alas, Osric was in fact NOT in this episode…)

The NOW begins, which repeats the scene we saw last week of Castiel and Lucifer having a tussle, and Lucifer full on lunging at Castiel and stabbing him in the stomach. Wait, what? Is that what we saw last week?

Nightsky: Hold on, when did that happen??

Lynn: He stabbed him last week but not like THAT, am I right?

Susan and Mandy (who remember things much better than the two of us) He did stab him last week, but he swiped high, it was a high slice not a gut stab!

Cas staggers through the woods, clearly way more injured than he seemed to be last week when he prevailed and stabbed Lucifer instead. He falls to the ground – to be found by the shocked teenagers of the week who of course do what? Poke him with a stick.

Everyone in the room: WHAT IS HAPPENING??

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Lynn and Kim talk Supernatural and its ‘Various and Sundry Villains’

I haven’t seen so much commentary on a Supernatural episode – and not just by the big outlets who routinely cover the show – in a long time. I’m talking fannish thinky thoughts – on Tumblr, on Twitter, on Facebook, even on LiveJournal! And that says something about ‘Various and Sundry Villains’ and the way Steve Yockey wrote the characters and the story arc this week. It was also the week to honor female directors and filmmakers, so having Amanda Tapping back to direct was wonderful – and she did an amazing job. Not only did the humor come through, but Tapping filmed the emotional scenes in a powerful way – often in ultra close ups, evoking the intimacy of the moment we were witnessing. (And also showing off our very beautiful cast…)

Ruth with director Amanda Tapping – tweet Ruth Connell

So here are my own thinky thoughts to add to the mix, and because everyone had something to say about this episode, here are some of Kim’s (my talented photographer friend) too. Amusingly, we agree passionately about some things and have a completely different take on others. But that’s how fandom should be! What we have in common is a deep love for this Show, which lets us disagree and still have lots in common.

Like most, I loved a lot about the episode, or at least I loved the overwhelming majority of the episode. The two very emotional scenes were award worthy, no question.  There were some times when the episode felt like a roller coaster though – or more accurately a Wild Mouse – because every so often it would lurch to a stop and leave me hanging onto the lap bar going wait, what? There was an unnevenness to it that was jarring at times, and that was confusing – perhaps because there was a TON happening. We’re back to multiple story lines, and that switch back and forth never sits entirely well with me. Every time I get deeply invested in what’s happening we switch to the other story line and I have a moment of irritation before I can make that mental switch too. It’s a common thing on Supernatural, but I don’t entirely enjoy it. My brain likes to go deep and then stay there, especially when my emotions are deeply engaged, as they were in much of this episode.

Kim is much more forgiving. At least she thinks she is…

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